Bald Eagle

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Bald people are cool (two words: Telly Savalas).

Eagles are cool.

So by the transitive property of equality, Bald Eagles are SUPER DUPER SCOOPER AWESOME and AMAZEBALLS. 

Everyone knows they are the national bird of the United States and considered to be the “king of the birds” (probably because of their amazeballness and that they are on the top of the food chain), so I’m going to tell you some things that maybe you don’t know.

Two eagles will be flying toward each other with their giant 7-foot wing span and when they meet, they will LOCK TALONS! and twirl downward toward the ground, hurtling through the air and will separate before hitting earth. There is debate whether this is a fight move or a love move. Why can’t it be both?

The legend of how the Bald Eagle became the symbol of American strength and freedom dates back to the Revolutionary War. Supposedly, during the beginning of the war, loud fighting awoke some sleeping eagles nearby, which annoyed them. So they flew to the battlefield and circled, screeching and shrieking, “You JERKS woke us up!” The American soldiers (who didn’t speak Eagle) believed these vocalizations were yells for freedom from the British, when really, the Eagles were just grumpy.

Osprey

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The Osprey is a predatory hawk of awesomenness.

I have seen their crazy giant stick nests atop channel markers. They are excellent fishermen; diving into shallow water with feet first and then flying off with a fish in their claws. They are the yogis of the raptors, with excellent flexibility (they can use their wings to shield their eyes from bright lights WHILE flying). They are sometimes confused with bald eagles, but have white bellies and less of a patriotic pretense. Osprey parents share incubating duties, as they are quite open minded about female equality.